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Domestic Violence In South Africa
by Ali Murray
Although both MEN and WOMEN can be abused, most victims are women and children. Anyone can be a victim of domestic violence.
Domestic Violence or otherwise abbreviated to DV, can happen to anyone irrelevant of your education, employment or marital status.
I met an attorney once who had been so badly assaulted by her husband that he had fractured her skull but because he was a Dr she was too afraid to seek medical assistance and because she was a attorney she was too ashamed to speak out and ask for help, because she felt that things like this should not be happening to an educated woman. She suffered in silence for years until ending the relationship.
On another occasion I met a business woman that was doing so well that she was able to purchase her office building, car, and home for cash but her boyfriend was assaulting her. She said she had sat in the bath one night and started laughing and crying hysterically because people looked and her and saw a successful businesswoman and yet no-one knew the fear and pain she was enduring at home.
So what is Domestic Violence – DV
Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.
Examples of abuse include:
- name-calling or putdowns
- keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
- withholding money
- stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
- actual or threatened physical harm
- sexual assault
- stalking
- intimidation
Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence.
The violence takes many forms and can happen all the time or once in a while. An important step to help yourself or someone you know in preventing or stopping violence is recognizing the warning signs listed on the "Violence Wheel."
Steps to overcoming DV.
From making the decision to end an abusive relationship to actually ending the relationship can take anything from 3 – 5 years if not longer.
Why? - Because we are in denial, we make excuses for their behaviour, because we are afraid of how much worse things will get if we try and end the relationship, because we believe we deserved to be treated bady, because he/she said they were sorry and promised again that they would not do it again?
So why is it so hard to end?
Passion Plays in abusive Relationships
Abusive relationships are often very passionate relationships. Where you have devastating
break-ups and then mind blowing make-ups accompanied by out of this world sex. The break-ups and make-ups increase the intensity of the pain and the pleasure in the relationship, but also increase the level of dysfunctionality within the relationship.
The trouble with pain is that it can be as addictive a pleasure and although you might not like the pain, the great sex may have you hooked into an abusive relationship.
Practical Issues:
Emotional Issues In many cases a person’s sense of self- worth and self- esteem has become so worn down that they either feel it is better to stay with the ‘devil they know” or they believe that no-one out there would want them.
Financial Issues: “The person that controls the money controls the power”, in many cases the abusive partner is also controlling the finances, making it very difficult for the partner to take pro-active steps to end the relationship.
The kids: Your partner may have threatened to take the children away from you if you try to leave – so you tell yourself you will stay until the kids are out of the house and can make their own decisions.
Special note: Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems.
Legal Issues: People do not know their legal rights, and do not know legally how to go about untangling themselves from an abusive relationship. They do not know where to go to seek professional advice that is discreet and confidential.
STEPS TO GETTING OUT:
Acknowledge
- You are not alone, this is happening to more people than you realise and you can get out
- It is not your fault, you do not deserve it
- Help is at hand – seek professional advice, ask for help
WHO TO CONTACT:
Personal Support:
Book a Consultation with Ali Murray, Relationship Consultant and get the advice and personal support and help you need. www.alimurray.co.za
Need more info on victim support go to
Stepping up – www.steppingup.co.za
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